Criteria of Spouse Selection (7)

Criteria of Spouse Selection (7)


These days when I am busy teaching and writing this book, a TV program named 'Falling Leaf' is being broadcast from the serial 'Mirror of Lesson'. Although I do not wish to support the whole of this serial, there is an attractive point in it, which is appropriate to this part of our discussion. That is, afsana's higher level of education compared to Ali. WE see how Asana belittles her husband Ali who has less education than her. And what painful difficulties have come into existence in their life. The higher education of Asana does not have any good or benefit for their joint life, rather, it is a means of harm. Had Ali married and equally educated girl and Asana married a boy of her own lever, most of their agonies and disputed would not have taken shape.


Balance and proportionality of the physique and sex has a great importance in the life of spouses. Sexual problems are one of the real and fundamental organs and pillars of marital life. Mutual sexual saturation and satisfaction of the husband and the wife has a deep and profound effect upon their lives, just as dissatifaction and lack of saturation has destructive and dangerous effect upon the total sum of marital life. If they satisfy and please each other from this aspect, they would be thankful to each other and put their duties and responsibilities into practice and tolerate the odds of life. But if they are displeased in this regard, they may hate each other and be disappointed and inter in respect of the performance of the responsibilities of life. This is a major point, which is regrettable belittled and overlooked in most of cases, or it is passed by shamefully and shyly, and consequently causes terrible shocks.

If one of the two spouses is sexually and physically strong, having a fervent and fiery passion and the other one is weak and frigid, most of the matters of their life become upset and unbalanced. There is also a strong probability of corruption and deviation. This lack of balance and proportionality incurs heavy damages and shocks their nerves and spirit. If we wish to explain and illustrate it with more explicitness, it would prolong the book, whereas we have based it upon briefness. But it must be considered explicity at its own place.

True, we must not describe such sexual problems in a naked shape, heedless to modesty, as is customary in some of the non-Islamic societies, but these must be discussed modesty. Did the prophet of Islam (a.s) and other leader of Islam not describe these problems ina clear-cut and detailed way to teach the people? Can the youth and spouses be overlooked, not given information, defenseless in the wake of this important matter and essential need"? Just as we have a specialist for each and every organ of our body, with referral points and places for all the partial or total matters and problems of the society, why should there not exist centres and specialists for such affairs of life, family and physical, sexual and spiritual difficulties of the youth and spouses? is the importance of this problem even less than a tooth for which we have all these specialists, dentists, and well-equipped laboratories?

We have seen a number of examples, which by studying their difficulties and profound and chronic differences of marital life, we reach one sensitive point and that is, sexual displeasure and dissatisfaction! Then it is observed that the real and actual cause of all the discomforts is this very point. But they feel shame in expressing it vividly and openly. And in some cases they do not even know themselves what is harming them. When we observe that married men and women commit sexual corruption, and develop illicit and illegal relations with strangers and e detect the roots of this affair, in most cases (though not all), we discover that the reason for these was sexual dissatisfaction and non-fulfillment.

One of the main reasons for the deviation of Zuleikha and her inclination towards Yousef (Joseph) (a.s), was the sexual inability of her husband. There exist a large number of variant cases, which I have personally observed that I have avoided and overlooked due to various reservations. Anyhow, the physical sexual equivalence and equity of the boy and the girl must definitely be taken into consideration while selecting spouses. One of the two should not be strongly built, hot and fervent and the other a weak, withered, and frigid one. Instead they must be physically and sexually balanced counterparts, so that they are able to satisfy and saturate each other. Moreover, it is necessary for the spouse to acquire the required information in these matters, to get information from those who are informed and seek help and advice if confronted with a difficulty.


Nervous and psychological ailments are amongst the basic causes of sexual weaknesses. The trace of these ailments are definitely present in all the modes of sexual weakness and inability, such as hasty and immature discharge, imperfect sexual intercourse and the inability of satisfying the spouse. These diseases must be treated by expert psychologists and psychiatrists. This topic is quite vast and has broad spectrum and needs detailed discussion so at present we will not enter into it.


Attention to the harmony in the beauty of the face and figure between the two spouses is also necessary. If one of the two is beautiful, handsome and proportionately figured and the other one is ugly and badly featured and figured, there is a probability of displeasure and difficulty for both. Spiritual difficulty and a sense of sexual deprivation, frustration, deviation, immodesty, and depression for the beautiful one would exist. Please take into what has been described about the sixth attribute (beauty) previously in this chapter.


A balance and equity of ages must also be considered in the selection of a spouse. The difference in the age of sexual puberty in males and females is a natural phenomenon. Boys generally attain puberty four years after the girls. The equity and matching of the ages of the boys and the girl relates to the difference of age, not the uniformity of it, since this difference has been placed in their creation. Of course, observing a difference of four years in age is not obligatory, instead, it is better if it is there. This quality should be added to the total sum of attributes for consideration and contemplation. It is possible that the age of the girl is not less than the boy (to this extent), but she may have other peculiarities and distinctions to compensate for the shortage.


A common custom could be discussed here which is: It is not advisable for there to be a large gap and difference in the monetary positions and status of the two families of the boy and the girl. We know ourselves pretty well that we become unbalanced and off track by laying hands on an amount of wealth and material sources. We start to be proud and boast of favour to others and humiliate and belittle them. Why must we deceive ourselves then? Commonly, if a poor or an economically average boy marries a girl from a wealthy family, he must become their servant, whereas, if a poor girl marries a boy from a rich family, she must become their maid. Of course, there are a few exceptions, of which we shall talk at the end of this chapter.


Just as has been formerly mentioned, in the discussion of 'Family Nobility', marriage with a person is equivalent to having a relation with a family and a race. So the families of the boy and the girl must have proportionality and be equivalent from religious, social, and moral aspects.


For instance, those believing in and adherent to the Islamic revolution and the system must not marry anti revolutionary and anti system families, although they may apparently be religious, since they would definitely come across difficulties. Either they have to quit nd abandon their beliefs and become harmonious with them of they must face, confront, and have a permanent debate and tussle with them, both of these being a waste and loss. The Islamic revolution was born from Islam , and opposing the roots an origins of this, is opposing Islam. Of course, those who are committed to the origin of the revolution and the Islamic system and might sympathetically criticize some matters, we do not consider them to be the opponents of the revolution.

Continue in the next article: ( Criteria of Spouse Selection (8) )