Criteria of Spouse Selection (8)

Criteria of Spouse Selection (8)


The person who is learned, knowledgeable, associated and connected with research and wants to spend his life in the field of learning and research, whose family and social life has the same composition and is fabricated in the same way and who has a profound investigative spirit must never marry a person of a family whose social spirit is a pompous, aristocratic, and ceremonious one or to those who are used to luxurious life, pompous invitations, bizarre night vigils full of passion, and excessive, extravagant journey and programs of enjoyment and entertainment. We have seen many persons who made this mistake and were deluded and fell prey to misery and affliction.

Of course, it is necessary and essential to attend to the entertainment of life, and the same person who is engaged in study and research should not remain heedless to this aspect of life. Ayatollah Jawadi Amoli used to say: "According to Islamic traditions, determination and extravagant invitations do not exist with each other." It is not possible that a student and research scholar and investigator reaches a place and position through luxurious living."

We know some friend who, mistakes and neglect, married girls who themselves, or their families, were people with luxurious and ceremonious modes of life. Conventionally speaking, they were from the well-off strata and even if they were not from that group, their spirit, training, and social conduct was not concordant with knowledge, piety, and contentment. As a result, their lives became entangled in affliction and painful displeasures, and in some cases, were shattered. The saying "birds of a feather, flock together" may look to be quite an ordinary and indelicate expression, but it has a great truth in it. It is true that the superstitious stratum distinctions are void, but human societies have variant spirits, training and social or ethical behaviors, which cannot be denied.


Mr ... is a learned and wise researcher and has a probing spirit. Having live a joint marital life of a few years with Mrs... and having a few children ultimately reached divorce. That man describes the actual cause of their separation as such: My job is in a scientific and research role. I work, like any worker, nearly ten hours a day in connection with my research. My wife did not have any interest in my work and would always arrange entertainment programs and wish me to join them. I used to tell her, "Just as a building labourer, carpenter, blacksmith and grocer go to their work early in the morning and come back home in the afternoon to offer their prayers, have lunch and take a rest before going back to their prayers, have lunch and take a rest before going back to their workplace to hand over the products of their work to society, I too feel myself committed to putting in the same amount of effort, spending my working hours in the library, busy with the research assignment and yielding its production to society. I too spent the same account of time in entertainment programs as they do, not more.

My wife did not appreciate this logic stand, and pledge of mine and insisted on me joining all her scheduled programs. But I did not submit to her will, since I considered my assignment more important than that, until such time as we could no longer live together." The marriage of those spouse who do not have social and mental harmony is harmful to both of them. You can see in the affair described, that both have faced loss and neither of the two can be recognized as the defaulter. Because that researcher and learned person cannot be denounced for not surrendering to his wife's programs, and neither can that wife not be rebuked for not becoming a learned research scholar, withstanding the that man's life dedicated to research.

Even if they wished, they could not possibly have become homologous, since each one of the two possessed a specific and particular kind of spirit, training and objectives. They considered prosperity and felicity and obligation in what they practiced and could not appreciate the other one's stand. But what is indisputable is that both of them had one fault and error, which is that they should not have married in the first place. If each of them had married a homogeneous person, they would have been quite relaxed and comfortable. The man should have married a knowledge loving, studious lady of research, and the women should have married a man of worldly living, entertainments and material enjoyment.

Perhaps at the time of proposal and marriage they were not conscious and aware of the essentiality of ideological and social harmony and co-ordination between a husband and a wife. They married in a state of indifference ad heedlessness. Ayatollah Ahmadi Mianeji used to say: "The religious scholars who were ascetic men, their wives were ascetics. But if their wives did not remain contented and pressurized them and demanded more, those scholars could not have been ascetics."

The wife of Allama Tabatabai had a major effect on his progress and success. Allama had a simple and ascetic life and their house was a rented one; yet his wife, for all her worth and regard was convinced about Allama's course of knowledge and research and accompanied him with utmost forbearance, affection, and fortitude until the end of his life.


In this section, we benefit from the letter written by a worthy brother who did not allow us to print his name: Spiritual and psychological harmony is one condition of equity. I'm more elaborate and minute terms 'personalities of various persons have been categorized into many groups. On of the most prominent of them is the categorization of internal and externals. Of course this is a scientific discussion, which should be given shape by benefiting from the views of experts and specialists. What can be briefly said is that the two categories are relative phenomena and, as a matter of fact, it is a spectrum, which can be graded from I (Sheer internal inclination) to 100 (sheer external inclination). from the other side, sheer interior inclination (isolation) and exterior inclination (selflessness) are undesired upon the Islamic standard of values.

So we must say: It cannot be said, for a desired Islamic life, that the internal person and external person should marry persons from their own category and group. Instead, a balance should be established. But to constrain future confrontations and a lack of understanding, there should not be much of a distance. That is to say, the mutual distance should not be more than 20 or 30 degree. For instance, the one whose degree is 20 on one scale shall not have a comfortable life with someone who is located at 80 degrees on the same scale (a difference of 60 degrees).

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